No, It’s Not Off-Season Stiffness

This was shaping up to be a relatively uneventful offseason for our hero. The Royals signed the second baseman to a one year contract at the end of November, guaranteeing that he could afford to get that special edition Furby for his kids at Christmas and still have some scratch left over for a new car or twenty.

Then, Dayton Moore made a big trade to bring over some pitchers from Tampa Bay and it looked like the team might not suck so bad in 2013, which is cool. Because, making a million dollars isn’t as much fun when you have fans wishing your team took more steroids, not fewer.

Then, the GM went on a binge of crappy fourth outfielders and utility players, suddenly picking up the 2002 MVP, Miguel Tejada, and saying he might compete for the starting job at second base.

Not cool, Dayton. Not cool at all.

Of course, these things have a way of working themselves out on the field. That punk Gia-whatever-his-name-is hasn’t pushed Getzie out of the starting spot yet.

Something is obviously bothering him, though.

Perhaps he’s thinking about more than baseball.

Maybe he heard about the town in Utah that changed a street name from Morning Glory to Morning Vista because a tech firm thought it sounded too sexual.

Maybe Chris is concerned because he thought it was a flower and not morning wood. Is he out of touch with what slang the kids are using these days? Should he be reading random Urban Dictionary postings every day to make sure he’s up to speed on the latest in offensive suggestion?

Or, is there something wrong with these executives? Maybe they’ve got dirty dirty minds and could use a trip to the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City to remember what is good and pure about the world.

Whatever it is, Chris has decided to dedicate himself to coming up with a naughty innuendo using the word “vista.” That will show those schmucks.

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What is a Ding Dong Daddy?

The Royals lost another one yesterday, and despite his three hits and solid play up the middle, our second baseman seems more stoic than he should.

Getz isn't a fan of Vaudeville tunes.

Is it because the Royals have now lost five in a row? Is it because Mike Aviles gets all the chicks? Or, perhaps, is he thinking about more than baseball?

Maybe his mind isn’t on the string of stranded baserunners, but instead focused on the rash of poor city slogans that are popping up across the country.

Couldn’t Dumas, Arkansas do better than “Home of the Ding Dong Daddy?”

Like most of us, Chris sees himself as a copywriter without the connections one needs on Madison Avenue.

He wants to solve this crisis for the poor people of Dumas.

But, alas… he cannot come up with something better. In all honesty, what else does Dumas have besides the Ding Dong Daddy?

Getz resigns himself to seeing this terrible slogan every time the bus of whatever minor league team he plays for someday pulls into town.

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Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

It’s been a rough week for the royals second baseman.

It was bad enough getting drubbed for 19 runs by the Indians, But he failed to get a hit after subbing in as one of the scrubs late in the game.

Here he is walking back to the dugout after a woeful pop up on the first pitch he saw in the fifth inning of Monday’s shellacking.

Our hero's head hung low when contemplating sunsets in Samoa.

But, perhaps he was thinking about more than baseball.

Maybe his mind was on the recent news that Samoa was going to hop the international date line at the end of this year.

For 119 years, Getz could always count on Samoa being the last place to watch the sun set each day.

Now the magic is gone. Samoa says it’s making the move to accommodate the fact that more business is done with Australia and New Zealand than the United States, and that chaps a midwestern boy’s hide.

Maybe someday, the USA will again be the kind of economic powerhouse that forces a small island nation to bend space and time so they can work together.

In Samoa, it is already tomorrow and that day has passed.

Getz would weakly line out to short stop in the eight inning to further illustrate his disgust with the world.

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The Dude Abides

Getz-y was on the bench for last night’s game against Cleveland, but got the call in the bottom of the ninth to hit for Mr. Misty May.

After working the count to 3-2, Getz took a moment to stare at his bat before stepping back into the box against Joe Smith.

The count was 3-2, but Getz was thinking about The Dude.

Perhaps he was thinking about more than baseball.

USA Today had published an article about actor Jeff Bridges signing a record deal with Blue Note Records to work on a country album with T-Bone Burnett.

Like all white people, Chris is a fan of The Big Lebowski, the Coen brothers’ classic flick about a laid-back Angeleno who gets caught up in a bizarre series of adventures related to the kidnapping of a wealthy businessman’s trophy wife.

That was a funny movie, but Jeff Bridges didn’t do any singing in it.

Maybe Getz never saw Crazy Heart and is therefore unsure of Bridges’ singing ability. A lot of actors think they can sing, but even those Glee kids seem to struggle week to week and they were all cast to BE singers.

Maybe Getz has his own dreams about being a country singer and would rather be crooning on stage than facing 90mph fastballs.

Really, how can anybody think about getting on base when facing an identity crisis like this?

Chris would fly out on the next pitch and probably spent the rest of the game humming to himself.

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Is Shifting Into “Park” Respectful Enough?

Chris had a tough game against the Mariners on Sunday, going 0-4 while the Royals failed to sweep Seattle.

Here he is after an error in the third inning on a tough grounder from Jack Wilson.

Getz was thinking more about caskets than grounders on Sunday.

Perhaps he was thinking about more than baseball.

Maybe Chris read this article in the LA Times about a funeral parlor in Compton that has set up a drive-thru viewing booth so mourners can more easily pay their respects to family and friends.

It’s a confusing new category of etiquette. How long do you park in front of a loved one’s display case? Are you obligated to wait until another car pulls up behind you. What if they are confused and think it’s an ATM machine?

Should you stay longer for those loved ones who are more important?

Maybe it’s okay to just slow down and give a quick honk of the horn if it’s some neighbor kid who you didn’t really know. Like, he always came by selling candy and you pretended you weren’t home. Do you have to make up for that now by idling for ten minutes on your way home from work?

Do you have to cut the engine? Now, you’re wasting gas on some kid who’s name you’re not even sure you remember correctly.

It’s a lot to think about when the Jack Wilson’s of the world are rocketing grounders at you on a Sunday afternoon.

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